Love In Penang

Ever since I'm back to Penang, life has been quiet. Friends are getting lesser and lesser. It seems less and less meaningful to have a lot of friends around. But more to the quality friendship I'm looking forward. I do miss the life with great friends around. However, I also do accept the fact that this life is not for me anymore at this age.

In December, I meet this guy Vin. Our first meeting was pretty good. We both aced at the first impression. Unfortunately, I could barely accept him being shorter than me. Hence, I wrote a message to him saying you'd be happier with a shorter girl.

Then, he was constantly calling me despite being rejected. All this calls lasted for 2 months plus. And then it gets colder and colder. He doesn't seems to want to be in relationship that much. Priority was put at the least. He wanted to do many other things but not much focus wanted to put on relationship.

I question him and also question myself. What's the point spending happy good times together when the reason for all that was just to have fun and fun that he won't give much damn when you seriously needs him uh? With all the fun, with all the limited resources we both had how the heck we can buy;d a nice home together? What's in it for the huge desire for love relationship inside my heart? Where does it leads me to?

We both love each other but then not sure of how to march forward together.

Is this man my destiny? What will my future looks like? Can I leave the rest to God? Will I be alright in the years to come?

Where I am

I get number of good feedbacks from people around me. From the top 3 people I spent most of my time with.

Number of things to work around my life. "3 minutes hot temperature"
I made too quick decisions.
Now I just want to upgrade all my short coming and reach my mountain top.
I am having unclear goal vision.
Sorry, I still couldn't figure out how this product can make a leap in the market.
I find that the time has not arrive yet for the community to look for everything via social media.

What am I to do

• What am I to do, seeing the man I do not truly like.
• What am I to do, seeing an opportunity full of doubts and yet seems like he is one good man to follow with
• What am I to do, having this heart full of inspiration
• What am I to do, feeling stronger inside and yet starting to doubt the relationship with him?
• What am I to do, so that I travel the road of greatness
• What am I to do, so that I can push away gently the the people I do not want to have

Real First Day in HK

Here I am all alone in Hong Kong, looking for inspirations to life. Went walking, oops is more of shopping around town. Bought pretty much souvenir for my friends. Didn't prepare good enough HKD to spend the week here, oh my.

I think I am on a tight budget trip here. Each meal and food bought is taken into consideration in case I don't run out of budget. Heck, how am I suppose to have enough for the rest of the days with the plan to get a pair of beautiful shoes ya?

Shopping up and down and up and down. Plan to walk to Mongkok later on.

Feel pretty tired now. Body little tired. Brain extreme tired. Can't seem to really shut down from the heavy travel.

Traveling is really nice. But then, we can't always be traveling right?

Catch some cold here. Little coughing and sneezing. Getting old. Oh my~~

Sleepy sleepy yawn yawn but can't seem to be really falling asleep. No more coffee tomorrow!!!

Sunday meeting the girls for beer huh???

Should be cool. Bring it on bring it on..

What more can I be writing?? Shopped a lot. After seeing all the cosmetic stuff and now I am left with a tired brain that can't think of anything cool other than chill relax just walk.

Another Story

Allow me a chance for a good life story write up over here.

Lucky days came by, company send me to a fine with Club Med at Pulau Bintan. Off we go and reach the place in short time. Took a rest at the chalet with my colleague and went down to enjoy myself with the rest.

The BBQ session was well prepared and then there's beach volley ball game. I didn't join the game, and was watching the rest playing. My manager join in the game and he seems be able to play fine at it.

After some nice food, and a glass of cocktail I went to join in the game. The players getting more and more. Some come and some go. So I was waiting anxiously for my turn, the alcohol tolerance kick me hard and I was dancing myself there. My face was a little red, it could be from the Sun or from the running in the volley ball game. Most people can't tell that I am getting this red face from the alcohol drinks.

Game was finished, and I am walking off the place to get ready for the next game. Soccer. Whilst I am turning away, a man came calling me from the back and introduced himself as Mike from Australia showing off the pants that he is wearing having the flag of his own country. That moment he introduced himself, I sensed strongly that he is interested in me.

We play soccer together and we're in the same team. The team with the shirt off. We go running up and down. Awh, I don't really know how to play soccer. I am just trying to believe I can play, so I was running everywhere I can just to get some feel of the ball and immediately pass it to another mate.

I go like well done, good shot, good try. When the opponent was having the ball, I run around him and goes like trying to get the ball to make him panic. Mike saw that move from me and repeatedly say that I'm giving reasonably good pressure to him that leads to a better game for us. Huh, I received a soft feeling that he might be attracted to me as he took notice of the qualities I possessed.

Then the night came by, dinner time. I was dressed up in a long dress. Look attractive but I was not having enough energy to dance the night through and so, I was off to bed early even though the party was warming up right there with inviting activities ahead.

Awh, how I miss all that. Life should always be that fun. We should work hard to earn more and more so that we can spend it all well off on a life WORTH living! I miss having a deserving great fun life. Really wished with all my heart that life can sail me away from this norm boring life.. I miss having something I am really attracted towards. And now, I miss Mike so damn much and yet I can't see him. The only thing I am receiving from him is the whatsapp message. What more can life be better off with text messages?

Jump over my story to the second night. With some plan, I save some energy for the night to dance it all out. Before the dancing party, I was at the spa having massage. Right after the massage, my ankle was feeling a little bit uneasy full length of weight was pressing on it.

Still vividly in my mind, I go running excitedly of the night. Quickly grab myself a Margarita for the tempting salt at the circumference of the glass. Within minutes, I finish the drink and we all go into a dancing room to dance our heart out. At that moment, I saw my true self. The me that's been long missing. I can jump up and down and high up and low down like I was in my 16. Suddenly I am 12 years back in life. My mind keep flashing the image of my young self back in gathering, or campfire where we all dance like that cause we are so young and free from worries.

My ankle develop deep pain after all the dancing was over, I was laying on the couch and I see that Mike keep texting me. He sends me message asking all sorts of question and I have to thump him down with my emotional based answer as I am an emotional type of person.

Then I try to stand and my ankle was giving me a hard pain. At the end, he has to carry me on his back. It was such a sweet soft romance silently with him. I hugged him tight from the back and he cuddle my leg with his finger. I felt an intense feeling of attraction with him.

I just want to say that I miss him so damn much. So damn much. I don't know how life will unfold for both of us. I just know that I miss him near my body and soul like I missed another addiction in my life.

Mike, I wish this life work out for you and me.

2013 Annual Convention

Been so long since I write again in my blog. It was a great fun laughter filled weekend for me. It all started on Thursday night. With drinking at Traffic with Fong Ling and Inn Cheq. Followed by meeting Cynthia. We went to sit at Paragon without paying any amount of money for drinks. We just sit there and chat so much of all our relationship. So fun, so fulling. I'm very blessed and grateful to have had such great friends to accompany me when I was all angered about what happened on Wednesday night in that Karaoke Room.

Reach home late like 3am! And sleep till 11am the next day. It was all de-stress. Wake up to a happy morning. Had some glitch fight again with Kenny on the phone. And it went on and on and on. Oh ya not forgetting eating maggie mee cooked by mom. So blessed! I really appreciate what I have. For all that I had, I had a huge desire in becoming a better person.

The convention started off with dressing up and taking pictures. So there are a few pictures here and there.
My purpose of writing here is to sum up what I had learnt.

On Friday night. He said to me over the phone of that's because how you are that is making him not giving me what I want.....

Last Few Days

Tomorrow will be the last day of my employment with Amada. So looking forward to the new job. I am building back all the emotional support I need. The worthy friendship. The worthy relationship. The worthy conversation. It is not easy to build good friendship. Especially quality and good one. Especially with the one you love. Especially with the one you would always wanting to hug.

A new chapter will unfold soon in my life. I am excited and looking forward to the day I am in this new company. My friends all are supportive on my move.

Relationship wise. Still the same. There's not much of changes and I guess I became tired and bored of the same circle that keeps looping on its own.

The same situation. He claimed that when he loves me I betrayed his love. After so long, he still doesn't. Perhaps I am the one who caused everything to go down the drain. Probably I won't be able to get love from him at all. That's the way that's mean to be I guess? That's the way he and me supposed to be together. Sometimes I don't feel we are truly together. I am more of an extra person in his life where he comes to me according to his need. He did put effort to make us better. Something which I cannot deny. However, I find that whatever he is doing is just equivalent to zero when he didn't love me with his heart. For now, I would prefer to be on my own than to have a man who failed to love me with whole heart.

I used to write a lot back then. I realize I write so little nowadays. Chatting with him has been a winning point when written lesser and lesser. I uses lesser and lesser words to express a certain point. The lesser the better it seems. The lesser communication with him the better? I don't see how we can progress much with the same attitude of him. Probably I will quit very soon. I'm extremely tired and exhausted in this floating relationship with him.................

Better Be Single

Than to have a man who do not have time for me. Didn't you think is better for me to just stay single? What better life is it for me than to be with a man who don't have time for me yeah?

Extremely Tired

Been so long I had been complaining about the horrible complicated relationship I was stuck at. However it is, it seems like a never ending in the process. No matter how much I loved or cared, everything is just the same.

This is life. The same complaints I had been throwing over again and again on my job. When I finally found something better for myself, the feeling is really FANTASTIC.

Probably I will have to hang on first before the awesome feeling can come to me. Just be patience and stay extremely positive. My life may not be the good one like what others could easily be having.

There's a path meant for me to walk on. Just make it better if not the best I can. Stop all the useless drama. Ask what is needed. Cherish what I have.

Don't know how le. Sometimes just feel so tired and really feel like giving up since we had not started. To have someone who don't love me, I rather just love myself and avoid this kind of rubbish.

Hang on lo. What to do. What choices do I have. I can't just run away if he chase me down. There's reasons why I meet people like him. There's reason why this complicated relationship take place in my life. There must be reasons. He might be the one to grow old with.

Ending the Complication

Been so long staying complicated like this. Out of pressure, I complained it to my friends. What can be better.

I didn't build good friendship anymore because I intend to build good relationship. Sometimes I just feel so so sorry to get close with the wrong people.

However it is, I just pray that things are good for the people who loved me who cared me who tried to protect me in every way it is.

I guess I am changing as the time pass. I no longer have the desire like I had before. I no longer build any friendship, mix with anyone, talk with anyone. I became much selective and choosing only the people I think worth my time. I guess this is a sign of improved maturity in me?

I don't want to disappoint my friends and family anymore. I don't want to put down the people I cared about. True love is not hard to find, it is a matter of the right things being done. I had lost myself for a long period of time. Very much needed to be alone. Very much needed to stay away from everything and enjoy a good movie myself. Learn something for good. Stop socializing so much for good.

Just go with whatever life has to come. But keep up the values I would like to get as a result. I can't be keeping the same behavior in order to get some different result.

Things might mess up, but it is best for me to just be strong inside and enjoy whatever life has to come for me. To make this man treat me with respect, I will show him my silence. Silence is power. Silence is when he will do whatever you want of him.

Anyway, the fight is over I am back on my life. I am not much affected. Just that he don't shout at me so much anymore. Don't answer his call can mean better. Next time I will just off my cell phone and disconnect forever with him.

Win the Degree

Isn't that this paper is important?
How many of you would like to have this paper in your life?

Without this paper,wages will be RM800 to RM1000. And limited choice of job.
With this paper your wages range from RM1600 to RM3500. Wider range of job.

This paper is important for one to get a better paid job. And for the society, what do you think? It means Ohhhh you're a degree holder. Hmmm. You've got that paper.... You must be intelligent, smart, clever. You must know a lot of things I don't know. Your future must be bright. You're much respected. They simply look up at you. Funny huh how our society think...

However it is, I am very happy with RM1000 basic salary I get from working as Sales Executive after my STPM.

I like my job, and wanting to build my career from there. I decided to get this paper out from part time undergraduate program, so that I can still keep the job.

I find out all the needed information, and went to my father. Because I need to get his approval of attending college or school around the town. for this paper. I gave him the best proposal. Convinced him all I can.


Oh well, he listened patiently to my exciting powerful proposal and then he said, "You can only go to the university to get your degree and no where else. I do not wish to repeat myself, do you get what I mean?".

How much I disagree with him, and going to university, I still have to go. Reality takes place that every father has the right to be autocratic on their daughter's life if it means good to them.

Tonight, I am going to share with you, ladies and gentleman, how I play around to get the paper the society think is important. WIN THE DEGREE.

I am not very intelligent compared to others. However, I believe there's a genius in everyone of us to get what they want.

I suffered exam anxiety since STPM. Whenever exam is around the corner, I get migraine, I cannot sleep, I had bad dreams, I become nervous, change of appetite, I get hungry easily.  I can't catch my breath.

Conclusion:
I'm not saying this paper is useless, or this whole education system is wrongly designed. But pick yourself what you want out of life. What I want has nothing to do with getting all the engineering knowledge into my head. But this paper is able to open many doors. Some said this paper act like a passport, with passport you can enter many countries. With this paper you can enter many giant company. I am skillful at certain things in life which paper recognition is unable to label it. To others, this paper means a lot to them, and from this paper they get to where they want. At the end of the day it is all about what you want.

I go around earning a degree of not what I really want. I wasn't all sour about it because at the same time I look at the opportunity to grow myself to I learn how to get to what I need by figuring out the easiest way to reach the goal. In short, it is how you play with the game. I learn to work smart instead of work hard. I learn that there are many alternative routes to get things done or to survive as undergraduate, at the end is about meeting the objective set, win the degree.

Twenty Five

At a age, quarter age. Wanting to do a lot of things, energetic, didn't want to waste my time on useless things. But to really think about, what can I really do?

Without a guy who truly adores me. How can life be better? After watching friends with kids, I learnt that, there are many more out there living a life without a reliable partner in life. 

What can be better life for me? My job sucks, my relationship sucks. The only thing that don't suck is my family and friends. They remain goodly. 

Man in my life is so hopeless. Feel like stop dating and just being alone. Being completely single and see what's good for me then. 

Mom wanted to bring me to the fortune teller. I guess, the fortune teller won't help much. Why life is so poor on me now?

Nothing good seems to come. Pretty much changes I had made onto myself. But, relationship wise and career wise is still hopeless.

Will I really quit my job on September? Can I carry on further? I have no idea what my future holds. The only thing I firmly owned is MYSELF. 

All the dates that I went out with seems like a waste of time itself. The conversation within has more damage than growth. What's good with the date? We both enjoy ourselves together. Can that really last long? Ahhhhh I really don't know.

I feel extremely tired with all that. I don't feel good anymore. I don't feel like carry on anymore. Why keeping a man who don't really love me? Why still keep going out with him when you know already he is not showering love for you? Why still keep him? Why replying to all his message? Why didn't I insist to quit? I feel so so so tired to carry on this type of complicated relationship. 

What am I doing?

Going to work everyday, on a job I don't see my passion within. A job to get the month end pay just to live my comfortable life. 

For now, I'm pretty sure that my passion is speaking, socializing, and connecting with people. How can I transform this into a magnificent career and soar above the rest of the world?

Everyday I keep complaining and grumbling whenever I have chance on the unsatisfied career, unsatisfied daily life because of my job. Why am I not doing anything to make this life a better one?

Unsatisfied relationship. Why don't I quit and slowly build a new one? 

Unsatisfied job. Why don't I quit and slowly look for a better one?

I am wasting my time. Dragging so much of things. Suppose to do my speech last week, and also this Wednesday. But look like it is not happening. Because I am moving towards the unsatisfied relationship.

Relationship with man should be a pleasant one, one that make me feel happy because both of us having mutual attraction. What am I having now? Sometimes, I pity myself for not having a good man.

Religion and Dream

Jesus Christ build Christianity

Prophet Muhammad build Islam

Buddha build Buddhism

Suding will build Freethinking religion someday..

Where everyone who believes in it lead a good life at their own.

Robin sharma has formed a new religion.. it's a matter that. will he spread it wide enough to the world and create a syllabus where everyone will worship.

I got inspired of dreaming about building my own religion, during my free days at uni talking about the world with Sim.

I do not fall into any specific religion, because I am open to all learning from all sources. 

I have a desire, a very strong one, to build people. To build people effectively and efficiently. 

But I do not want to waste my energy on people who do not believe me and on people who are greedy. 

Core value, positive energy....

As an engineer graduate, I believe in energy.
Energy cannot be created and damaged according the the law of science.

but energy can be transformed from one source to another.

The mind is the energy transformer.

Lead without title.

Dream without limitation.

Getting Colder

I want to express my feeling and emotion here.

I realize I love people too deeply sometimes. I cannot bear to look back at pictures of people who will leave my life soon. Just make me tears..

I love many people in my heart. Deeply, truthfully, sincerely.
Father's day is here. I do not know what to do. I just know I think of my intense feeling of love for my daddy every single day. I pray to God, to allow my dad to be with us for as long as life allows. Let my dad be healthy so that he can does all he wants that can make him happy. For I need my daddy, more than anything in the world right now.

Hang On or Move On?

Maybe I am a good writer.

Maybe I am a good singer.

Maybe I am a good speaker.

Maybe I am a good entertainer.

Maybe I am a good motivater.

Maybe I am a good wife.

Maybe I am a good mother.
Maybe I am a good reader.

Maybe I am a good salesman.

Maybe I am a good mentor.

Maybe I am a good leader.

So, shall I continue here or elsewhere?

Where should my journey continue?

What should I be doing next?

Ask myself within.

What is my direction.

What is my speed.

What is my ambition.

Broken

Feels so broken inside.
Oh I miss you so much.
And also I need to let go.
Can't we just make sweet love.
And forget about the world.
Can't we just be greedy with sweet love.
Forget about every other things.

I never regret the time we had together.
I just regret I pushed you away.

Time spent with you felt like total blessing from above.
The chemistry we shared are nevertheless the greatest love of all

Beating Dangerously

Every message I sent for you means evil
Every thought I have about you means evil
Every feels I have for you means evil
Every dream I have on us means evil

I cannot bear to see myself to be in love this man. Evil is the way that causing every downfall of a person's luck. I'm here halfway climbing up. The climb is not long enough for me to feel satisfy enough and I just don't wanna drop like that just to re-climb. As much as I want to make sure that my pathway is clear, I will have to guard against my sin.

No matter how beautiful the love we can share, it is better leave it untouched!! For once any party stepped into this dangerous love, it only means hurting everyone altogether.

Everyday, I told myself pull out from this game. You're not strong enough to play. Just flag the white card as means of surrender.

My sense:
Told me that this is not as simple as I think. This has to take a lot of self control to survive.

Inside of me:
I'm scared. I'm damn fucking scared that I'll fall into this pool of life disaster again. I damn need to avoid it before any big problem coming up to me. I'm so worried, so worried, that all the things that I'm worrying will happen.

Action needed:
Chop off everything. Stop right here. No more text. No more voice. No more pictures. Deletes everything. If you can do all the deletion, you survive the first step of maintaining my climb up to the top. 

Excited Excited!!!!

Really feel good planning for this coming KL trip.
Happy to be able to make plan with KL colleagues on Friday noon for lunch.
Happy might be able to meet up with Selina, Jane and Lynne.

My heart is flourishing again. Yuhooooo.

The whole trip is planned carefully.

Since I am putting little high hopes, I'm having higher expectation on myself.
Wanting to have the best of the best attire in the conventions.

Hope I can excel this time in my appearance to meet many faces in this event.

Yah, I will bring camera there. Yup Yup Yup.

Endless Dissatisfaction

Where I am right now, can only mean dissatisfaction.
What I actually want, has not arrive yet.
What can be challenging is, more and more patience.

My job has no meaning sometimes.
I cannot see this is where I am heading anymore.
I need more challenge to keep myself balance and alive.
This is not right, no no, this does not feel right.

My dream. Speaker. Now, I'm on the right path.
The only thing that feels right so far.

My goal. Learning and reading many things.
All been stagnant, because I'm enjoying my time being lazy.

A big issue hit me hard inside.
A big desire for change in my job.

I am only surviving in my job.
Everyday feels so helpless.
Everyday feels reluctant to wake up.
What am I to do with this condition.

Back from Japan with initial better emotions.
Then back to square one.

What am I suppose to do with this.
How am I suppose to handle all this.

I damn fucking need new motivation to survive in my work!!!!!

Wonderful Time

Life is like a movie. The best part of life is back after a cycle. Happening right now. Feeling the bits of glorious love vibrating warmly in my heart.

Feels like floating on top of the world. The feeling is just amazingly awesome and wholly great. People around will fail to condemn me, for my heart is in joy.

One simple phrase "I feel alive".

Cheers to the world. To all the beautiful people, to all the beautiful soul I met in my journey of living. I cannot thank enough for all this wonderful and amazing events in life. My heart is fill with all that is needed.

Riding on the cloud, moving with the wind, rising with the sunlight. Praise this life. Love this life to the best the best the best and only the best.