Beating Dangerously

Every message I sent for you means evil
Every thought I have about you means evil
Every feels I have for you means evil
Every dream I have on us means evil

I cannot bear to see myself to be in love this man. Evil is the way that causing every downfall of a person's luck. I'm here halfway climbing up. The climb is not long enough for me to feel satisfy enough and I just don't wanna drop like that just to re-climb. As much as I want to make sure that my pathway is clear, I will have to guard against my sin.

No matter how beautiful the love we can share, it is better leave it untouched!! For once any party stepped into this dangerous love, it only means hurting everyone altogether.

Everyday, I told myself pull out from this game. You're not strong enough to play. Just flag the white card as means of surrender.

My sense:
Told me that this is not as simple as I think. This has to take a lot of self control to survive.

Inside of me:
I'm scared. I'm damn fucking scared that I'll fall into this pool of life disaster again. I damn need to avoid it before any big problem coming up to me. I'm so worried, so worried, that all the things that I'm worrying will happen.

Action needed:
Chop off everything. Stop right here. No more text. No more voice. No more pictures. Deletes everything. If you can do all the deletion, you survive the first step of maintaining my climb up to the top. 

Excited Excited!!!!

Really feel good planning for this coming KL trip.
Happy to be able to make plan with KL colleagues on Friday noon for lunch.
Happy might be able to meet up with Selina, Jane and Lynne.

My heart is flourishing again. Yuhooooo.

The whole trip is planned carefully.

Since I am putting little high hopes, I'm having higher expectation on myself.
Wanting to have the best of the best attire in the conventions.

Hope I can excel this time in my appearance to meet many faces in this event.

Yah, I will bring camera there. Yup Yup Yup.

Endless Dissatisfaction

Where I am right now, can only mean dissatisfaction.
What I actually want, has not arrive yet.
What can be challenging is, more and more patience.

My job has no meaning sometimes.
I cannot see this is where I am heading anymore.
I need more challenge to keep myself balance and alive.
This is not right, no no, this does not feel right.

My dream. Speaker. Now, I'm on the right path.
The only thing that feels right so far.

My goal. Learning and reading many things.
All been stagnant, because I'm enjoying my time being lazy.

A big issue hit me hard inside.
A big desire for change in my job.

I am only surviving in my job.
Everyday feels so helpless.
Everyday feels reluctant to wake up.
What am I to do with this condition.

Back from Japan with initial better emotions.
Then back to square one.

What am I suppose to do with this.
How am I suppose to handle all this.

I damn fucking need new motivation to survive in my work!!!!!

Wonderful Time

Life is like a movie. The best part of life is back after a cycle. Happening right now. Feeling the bits of glorious love vibrating warmly in my heart.

Feels like floating on top of the world. The feeling is just amazingly awesome and wholly great. People around will fail to condemn me, for my heart is in joy.

One simple phrase "I feel alive".

Cheers to the world. To all the beautiful people, to all the beautiful soul I met in my journey of living. I cannot thank enough for all this wonderful and amazing events in life. My heart is fill with all that is needed.

Riding on the cloud, moving with the wind, rising with the sunlight. Praise this life. Love this life to the best the best the best and only the best.

Business Trip

This is the country I'm sent to by my company for freshman training. I was chosen to attend.

It may sound very exciting and good to most of you. But no, I don't feel that way. I feel a sea of worrisome, fearsome, and nostalgia.

It is almost the end of winter. It's cold there. I only experienced Melbourne before. That was only autumn, and I already cannot stand the cold. This time to Japan, it's going to be even colder. Hope my body can stand the cold.

Lots of preparation to make. Souvenirs. And present to make people remember me? Aha....

I want to do my best this time though. This travel will give me a real feeling of dream come true for sure. Again this is what I had always been dreaming of when I was in school. The ecstatic feels will flood up my entire body.

Going to prepare sum of money to buy souvenirs for all friends and family around me. With them, this trip to Japan became meaningful. Lots of shopping coming its way. Yoooohoooooooo.

Gonna capture a picture of my face where dream came trueeeeeeeeeeee.

Pathetic with Facebook and Hopelessness

Just feel very down with life. Everything that I am doing do not appear like it is going to be better each day.

I just feel so low. So low. All I can do is to wait for the Japan trip and come back recharged and have a new outlook of life. I hope so.

I was like waiting for condition around me to change the inside of me. Which is wrong wrong wrong. I still can sense my own emotional imbalance. Hate it hate it hate it. What can I do to make myself feeling better straight right from inside of me?

I feel so demotivated. Each passing day, gone sober and sober. I don't feel like talking to my dad, to my mom. I really am not happy inside. I am so not used to living this kind of life for such a long period of time. Sigh. To be highly emotional intelligent, adaptation is one of the important skill to pick up. You got to keep improving yourself Tan Su Ding!!! Things around you change, you got to change as well to adapt.

Sigh. I do like this guy. But I'm just feeling hopeless. Basically I felt hopeless of everything. I am not taking any giant step to change my life. I kept on waiting and waiting for condition to change me. Wrong wrong wrong...Sigh.. I can only keep on complaining how ugly my life unfold. I ain't doing anything to change the current situation.. All I want is someone. I cannot get it right now. I don't have one right now. What can I do. All I can do is to patiently wait. Feels so alone but nothing I can do about it.

I can only enjoy the time when people invites me out. I can only get all the happiness when I am outside.

This Saturday going to UPR. Hope this will be a great chance for me to release myself. Drink, shout, sing, dance, shake all the night long. I cannot get what I truly desire yet. I desire a true love. I desire a man who like me. I desire a man who adores me. I desire a man who loves me passionately just the way I am. I desire sensational touch. I desire a beautiful glare from a man. I desire infatuation. I want to be given a chance to feel flattered.

I am certain of my desire, need and want. But all I can do is just to be patient. Nothing else I can do. This moment, I can only see myself imagining and dreaming away from my reality.

This morning, I can feel a heavy reluctance to wake up from my bed. Because I don't want to face the day feeling so hopeless of my life. I want to get what I desire. I don't want to have any limitation in my imagination.

After 3 months

Even after 3 months long.... I still miss you so much, I still love you so much, I still want you in my life so much. I truly sincerely want you. I still wish I would have one more chance to hug you to love you with all my heart. To shower you with the most sincere me, to shower you with the best me, to shower you with the best warmth from me. I still love you in my heart even though I knew the impossibility.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. This is all hurdles for me towards finding true love in my life. You are the one, no one else. You are the one who stay the boldest in my heart. I will bring all the energy in the world to make you feel touched with my sincerity in loving you....