Each New Day Brings Fresh Hope

This is the quote painted on the wall of my class room in Form 5. When I go to class with the blur and sleepy face, I look up at the wall and it's true that Each New Day Brings Fresh Hope. It feels like it's a brand new day, yesterday or what ever in the past doesn't matter, because today is a new day and fresh hope can be instilled.

I wake up each day feeling depressed, addicted to the game of my life Rangnarok Online game. Or I get addicted to MSN chatting or hours and hours of phone call in the wee hour with guy.

That's Form 5 life and it really shocks me that my life could get out of range. I remember those time where my breathing was hard, I sleep more than usual. Almost everyday I took afternoon nap, with my school uniform on, under running fan.

There's this SPM exam coming, and I am not preparing much, I was lazying and too afraid to face it. Was playing game whenever chance hits, because gaming brings all the trouble away. When I was gaming, I can't think of anything in life but only keep concentrating on my character inside there. I made lots of friends inside, I still remember a girl by the name ~Kui~ who is a priest, will always get me into her party. She was two years older than me, and lived in KL. Now we had lost contact and I wonder where is she now. I would ask her to join my new private RO server.

The feelings of finishing Biology paper was great. Right after the paper, I walk out to the corridor, look up into the sky and whisper to myself that I would never ever have to study Biology ever again in my entire life. Fact is, I never really finish studying the whole syllabus of this subject. I only did my revision for Form 4, and only few chapters for Form 5. My ambition was to become engineer that time, and so Biology has got nothing to do with it.

The feeling of getting SPM over was great. I would never want to go back to that again.

Because of what I had go through, I never ever again can strive in my exams any more. The feelings of expectation in result will make my breathing difficult, and my body numb. I don't want that.

There's a test tonight

No matter how hard I study, I still think that I don't belong to those who will want to score in exam. Been thinking much today. About my life, my future, my emotion, my thinking, my character, my personality, and my behaviour.

I always believed I am more than who I am today. Had been screwing up a lot because I could not seem to find myself in a place where I truly want to strive, as in found something at somewhere where my dream lies within. Got what I mean here? Confusing.

I take a moment to look into myself. I know who I am, I know what I want. The confusion is, getting what I want might destroy some other things I had. And is it worth sacrificing them? After getting through all the kinks, and stitching them back, I wonder if I will ever had the energy to destroy the fear and the limitation I had drawn in me. Can I lead a life without fear? Can I find back the jolly me, carefree me, brave me, cheerful me, confident me, faithful me ever again?

Yeah, I had grow up and become much more matured than before. People around had been given me too many limitation in life that I had to keep up with. I cannot this, I cannot that, if I do this, will cause this and that to become like that.

Am I a control-freak? hmmmmm