Ending the Complication

Been so long staying complicated like this. Out of pressure, I complained it to my friends. What can be better.

I didn't build good friendship anymore because I intend to build good relationship. Sometimes I just feel so so sorry to get close with the wrong people.

However it is, I just pray that things are good for the people who loved me who cared me who tried to protect me in every way it is.

I guess I am changing as the time pass. I no longer have the desire like I had before. I no longer build any friendship, mix with anyone, talk with anyone. I became much selective and choosing only the people I think worth my time. I guess this is a sign of improved maturity in me?

I don't want to disappoint my friends and family anymore. I don't want to put down the people I cared about. True love is not hard to find, it is a matter of the right things being done. I had lost myself for a long period of time. Very much needed to be alone. Very much needed to stay away from everything and enjoy a good movie myself. Learn something for good. Stop socializing so much for good.

Just go with whatever life has to come. But keep up the values I would like to get as a result. I can't be keeping the same behavior in order to get some different result.

Things might mess up, but it is best for me to just be strong inside and enjoy whatever life has to come for me. To make this man treat me with respect, I will show him my silence. Silence is power. Silence is when he will do whatever you want of him.

Anyway, the fight is over I am back on my life. I am not much affected. Just that he don't shout at me so much anymore. Don't answer his call can mean better. Next time I will just off my cell phone and disconnect forever with him.

Win the Degree

Isn't that this paper is important?
How many of you would like to have this paper in your life?

Without this paper,wages will be RM800 to RM1000. And limited choice of job.
With this paper your wages range from RM1600 to RM3500. Wider range of job.

This paper is important for one to get a better paid job. And for the society, what do you think? It means Ohhhh you're a degree holder. Hmmm. You've got that paper.... You must be intelligent, smart, clever. You must know a lot of things I don't know. Your future must be bright. You're much respected. They simply look up at you. Funny huh how our society think...

However it is, I am very happy with RM1000 basic salary I get from working as Sales Executive after my STPM.

I like my job, and wanting to build my career from there. I decided to get this paper out from part time undergraduate program, so that I can still keep the job.

I find out all the needed information, and went to my father. Because I need to get his approval of attending college or school around the town. for this paper. I gave him the best proposal. Convinced him all I can.


Oh well, he listened patiently to my exciting powerful proposal and then he said, "You can only go to the university to get your degree and no where else. I do not wish to repeat myself, do you get what I mean?".

How much I disagree with him, and going to university, I still have to go. Reality takes place that every father has the right to be autocratic on their daughter's life if it means good to them.

Tonight, I am going to share with you, ladies and gentleman, how I play around to get the paper the society think is important. WIN THE DEGREE.

I am not very intelligent compared to others. However, I believe there's a genius in everyone of us to get what they want.

I suffered exam anxiety since STPM. Whenever exam is around the corner, I get migraine, I cannot sleep, I had bad dreams, I become nervous, change of appetite, I get hungry easily.  I can't catch my breath.

Conclusion:
I'm not saying this paper is useless, or this whole education system is wrongly designed. But pick yourself what you want out of life. What I want has nothing to do with getting all the engineering knowledge into my head. But this paper is able to open many doors. Some said this paper act like a passport, with passport you can enter many countries. With this paper you can enter many giant company. I am skillful at certain things in life which paper recognition is unable to label it. To others, this paper means a lot to them, and from this paper they get to where they want. At the end of the day it is all about what you want.

I go around earning a degree of not what I really want. I wasn't all sour about it because at the same time I look at the opportunity to grow myself to I learn how to get to what I need by figuring out the easiest way to reach the goal. In short, it is how you play with the game. I learn to work smart instead of work hard. I learn that there are many alternative routes to get things done or to survive as undergraduate, at the end is about meeting the objective set, win the degree.

Twenty Five

At a age, quarter age. Wanting to do a lot of things, energetic, didn't want to waste my time on useless things. But to really think about, what can I really do?

Without a guy who truly adores me. How can life be better? After watching friends with kids, I learnt that, there are many more out there living a life without a reliable partner in life. 

What can be better life for me? My job sucks, my relationship sucks. The only thing that don't suck is my family and friends. They remain goodly. 

Man in my life is so hopeless. Feel like stop dating and just being alone. Being completely single and see what's good for me then. 

Mom wanted to bring me to the fortune teller. I guess, the fortune teller won't help much. Why life is so poor on me now?

Nothing good seems to come. Pretty much changes I had made onto myself. But, relationship wise and career wise is still hopeless.

Will I really quit my job on September? Can I carry on further? I have no idea what my future holds. The only thing I firmly owned is MYSELF. 

All the dates that I went out with seems like a waste of time itself. The conversation within has more damage than growth. What's good with the date? We both enjoy ourselves together. Can that really last long? Ahhhhh I really don't know.

I feel extremely tired with all that. I don't feel good anymore. I don't feel like carry on anymore. Why keeping a man who don't really love me? Why still keep going out with him when you know already he is not showering love for you? Why still keep him? Why replying to all his message? Why didn't I insist to quit? I feel so so so tired to carry on this type of complicated relationship. 

What am I doing?

Going to work everyday, on a job I don't see my passion within. A job to get the month end pay just to live my comfortable life. 

For now, I'm pretty sure that my passion is speaking, socializing, and connecting with people. How can I transform this into a magnificent career and soar above the rest of the world?

Everyday I keep complaining and grumbling whenever I have chance on the unsatisfied career, unsatisfied daily life because of my job. Why am I not doing anything to make this life a better one?

Unsatisfied relationship. Why don't I quit and slowly build a new one? 

Unsatisfied job. Why don't I quit and slowly look for a better one?

I am wasting my time. Dragging so much of things. Suppose to do my speech last week, and also this Wednesday. But look like it is not happening. Because I am moving towards the unsatisfied relationship.

Relationship with man should be a pleasant one, one that make me feel happy because both of us having mutual attraction. What am I having now? Sometimes, I pity myself for not having a good man.

Religion and Dream

Jesus Christ build Christianity

Prophet Muhammad build Islam

Buddha build Buddhism

Suding will build Freethinking religion someday..

Where everyone who believes in it lead a good life at their own.

Robin sharma has formed a new religion.. it's a matter that. will he spread it wide enough to the world and create a syllabus where everyone will worship.

I got inspired of dreaming about building my own religion, during my free days at uni talking about the world with Sim.

I do not fall into any specific religion, because I am open to all learning from all sources. 

I have a desire, a very strong one, to build people. To build people effectively and efficiently. 

But I do not want to waste my energy on people who do not believe me and on people who are greedy. 

Core value, positive energy....

As an engineer graduate, I believe in energy.
Energy cannot be created and damaged according the the law of science.

but energy can be transformed from one source to another.

The mind is the energy transformer.

Lead without title.

Dream without limitation.

Getting Colder

I want to express my feeling and emotion here.

I realize I love people too deeply sometimes. I cannot bear to look back at pictures of people who will leave my life soon. Just make me tears..

I love many people in my heart. Deeply, truthfully, sincerely.
Father's day is here. I do not know what to do. I just know I think of my intense feeling of love for my daddy every single day. I pray to God, to allow my dad to be with us for as long as life allows. Let my dad be healthy so that he can does all he wants that can make him happy. For I need my daddy, more than anything in the world right now.

Hang On or Move On?

Maybe I am a good writer.

Maybe I am a good singer.

Maybe I am a good speaker.

Maybe I am a good entertainer.

Maybe I am a good motivater.

Maybe I am a good wife.

Maybe I am a good mother.
Maybe I am a good reader.

Maybe I am a good salesman.

Maybe I am a good mentor.

Maybe I am a good leader.

So, shall I continue here or elsewhere?

Where should my journey continue?

What should I be doing next?

Ask myself within.

What is my direction.

What is my speed.

What is my ambition.

Broken

Feels so broken inside.
Oh I miss you so much.
And also I need to let go.
Can't we just make sweet love.
And forget about the world.
Can't we just be greedy with sweet love.
Forget about every other things.

I never regret the time we had together.
I just regret I pushed you away.

Time spent with you felt like total blessing from above.
The chemistry we shared are nevertheless the greatest love of all

Beating Dangerously

Every message I sent for you means evil
Every thought I have about you means evil
Every feels I have for you means evil
Every dream I have on us means evil

I cannot bear to see myself to be in love this man. Evil is the way that causing every downfall of a person's luck. I'm here halfway climbing up. The climb is not long enough for me to feel satisfy enough and I just don't wanna drop like that just to re-climb. As much as I want to make sure that my pathway is clear, I will have to guard against my sin.

No matter how beautiful the love we can share, it is better leave it untouched!! For once any party stepped into this dangerous love, it only means hurting everyone altogether.

Everyday, I told myself pull out from this game. You're not strong enough to play. Just flag the white card as means of surrender.

My sense:
Told me that this is not as simple as I think. This has to take a lot of self control to survive.

Inside of me:
I'm scared. I'm damn fucking scared that I'll fall into this pool of life disaster again. I damn need to avoid it before any big problem coming up to me. I'm so worried, so worried, that all the things that I'm worrying will happen.

Action needed:
Chop off everything. Stop right here. No more text. No more voice. No more pictures. Deletes everything. If you can do all the deletion, you survive the first step of maintaining my climb up to the top. 

Excited Excited!!!!

Really feel good planning for this coming KL trip.
Happy to be able to make plan with KL colleagues on Friday noon for lunch.
Happy might be able to meet up with Selina, Jane and Lynne.

My heart is flourishing again. Yuhooooo.

The whole trip is planned carefully.

Since I am putting little high hopes, I'm having higher expectation on myself.
Wanting to have the best of the best attire in the conventions.

Hope I can excel this time in my appearance to meet many faces in this event.

Yah, I will bring camera there. Yup Yup Yup.

Endless Dissatisfaction

Where I am right now, can only mean dissatisfaction.
What I actually want, has not arrive yet.
What can be challenging is, more and more patience.

My job has no meaning sometimes.
I cannot see this is where I am heading anymore.
I need more challenge to keep myself balance and alive.
This is not right, no no, this does not feel right.

My dream. Speaker. Now, I'm on the right path.
The only thing that feels right so far.

My goal. Learning and reading many things.
All been stagnant, because I'm enjoying my time being lazy.

A big issue hit me hard inside.
A big desire for change in my job.

I am only surviving in my job.
Everyday feels so helpless.
Everyday feels reluctant to wake up.
What am I to do with this condition.

Back from Japan with initial better emotions.
Then back to square one.

What am I suppose to do with this.
How am I suppose to handle all this.

I damn fucking need new motivation to survive in my work!!!!!

Wonderful Time

Life is like a movie. The best part of life is back after a cycle. Happening right now. Feeling the bits of glorious love vibrating warmly in my heart.

Feels like floating on top of the world. The feeling is just amazingly awesome and wholly great. People around will fail to condemn me, for my heart is in joy.

One simple phrase "I feel alive".

Cheers to the world. To all the beautiful people, to all the beautiful soul I met in my journey of living. I cannot thank enough for all this wonderful and amazing events in life. My heart is fill with all that is needed.

Riding on the cloud, moving with the wind, rising with the sunlight. Praise this life. Love this life to the best the best the best and only the best.

Business Trip

This is the country I'm sent to by my company for freshman training. I was chosen to attend.

It may sound very exciting and good to most of you. But no, I don't feel that way. I feel a sea of worrisome, fearsome, and nostalgia.

It is almost the end of winter. It's cold there. I only experienced Melbourne before. That was only autumn, and I already cannot stand the cold. This time to Japan, it's going to be even colder. Hope my body can stand the cold.

Lots of preparation to make. Souvenirs. And present to make people remember me? Aha....

I want to do my best this time though. This travel will give me a real feeling of dream come true for sure. Again this is what I had always been dreaming of when I was in school. The ecstatic feels will flood up my entire body.

Going to prepare sum of money to buy souvenirs for all friends and family around me. With them, this trip to Japan became meaningful. Lots of shopping coming its way. Yoooohoooooooo.

Gonna capture a picture of my face where dream came trueeeeeeeeeeee.

Pathetic with Facebook and Hopelessness

Just feel very down with life. Everything that I am doing do not appear like it is going to be better each day.

I just feel so low. So low. All I can do is to wait for the Japan trip and come back recharged and have a new outlook of life. I hope so.

I was like waiting for condition around me to change the inside of me. Which is wrong wrong wrong. I still can sense my own emotional imbalance. Hate it hate it hate it. What can I do to make myself feeling better straight right from inside of me?

I feel so demotivated. Each passing day, gone sober and sober. I don't feel like talking to my dad, to my mom. I really am not happy inside. I am so not used to living this kind of life for such a long period of time. Sigh. To be highly emotional intelligent, adaptation is one of the important skill to pick up. You got to keep improving yourself Tan Su Ding!!! Things around you change, you got to change as well to adapt.

Sigh. I do like this guy. But I'm just feeling hopeless. Basically I felt hopeless of everything. I am not taking any giant step to change my life. I kept on waiting and waiting for condition to change me. Wrong wrong wrong...Sigh.. I can only keep on complaining how ugly my life unfold. I ain't doing anything to change the current situation.. All I want is someone. I cannot get it right now. I don't have one right now. What can I do. All I can do is to patiently wait. Feels so alone but nothing I can do about it.

I can only enjoy the time when people invites me out. I can only get all the happiness when I am outside.

This Saturday going to UPR. Hope this will be a great chance for me to release myself. Drink, shout, sing, dance, shake all the night long. I cannot get what I truly desire yet. I desire a true love. I desire a man who like me. I desire a man who adores me. I desire a man who loves me passionately just the way I am. I desire sensational touch. I desire a beautiful glare from a man. I desire infatuation. I want to be given a chance to feel flattered.

I am certain of my desire, need and want. But all I can do is just to be patient. Nothing else I can do. This moment, I can only see myself imagining and dreaming away from my reality.

This morning, I can feel a heavy reluctance to wake up from my bed. Because I don't want to face the day feeling so hopeless of my life. I want to get what I desire. I don't want to have any limitation in my imagination.

After 3 months

Even after 3 months long.... I still miss you so much, I still love you so much, I still want you in my life so much. I truly sincerely want you. I still wish I would have one more chance to hug you to love you with all my heart. To shower you with the most sincere me, to shower you with the best me, to shower you with the best warmth from me. I still love you in my heart even though I knew the impossibility.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in. This is all hurdles for me towards finding true love in my life. You are the one, no one else. You are the one who stay the boldest in my heart. I will bring all the energy in the world to make you feel touched with my sincerity in loving you....

Happy Chinese New Year

New Year, New Hope, New Clothes, New Mind, New Idea, New Life, New Face, New Heart.

Looking forward year 2012 to be filled with lots of love, happiness, prosperity, fun and laughter!!!